An open letter to my dad

Dear dad

My heart is only filled with gratitude and apologies for you .

Gratitude for prioritising my future over your past and present .

For being a selfless giver and loving me even when I’ve been nothing but a selfish taker.

I often fail to thankyou for the wonderful life that I’ve done nothing to deserve .

Sadly even when I say this I am again betraying you by pleading you understand me a little better.

I realise that these words stink of sheer selfishness but I believe if I did this I might have a greater chance at improving our relationship if we can get through this one crucial hurdle.

I urge to let me fall and support me if I fall so I have the strength to fall again.

I want to not only  make peace with your imperfections but also accept mine.

I want you to understand that my battles are more than getting a prestigious education or getting a good job , it’s about exorcising my inner demons and living a meaningful life no matter how simple it is .

I want you to know that I carry a heavy heart one that needs to atone a little peace before I can tell you what I want to do or what I want to be.

I want to understand that one cannot simply just let go of their baggage even when it’s too heavy for them to bear.

My baggage comes with sorrows of abuse, ostracization and inexpressiveness.

I want you to understand that i’ve been through years of subsided conflict that has created several anxieties , bi-polarities and insecurities in me and till the time I do not confront and defeat them , I will never be happy .

So just once let me give it a try.

Let me confront my vices and inadequacies only then will I be able to accept your words of wisdom that say that I am yet unknown and unprepared for the real world.

Even though it might hurt you a lot but I want you to know that despite your efforts I still have ended up at that point of life where I am simply struggling to live through each day .

I want you to understand what’s its like to live in anxiety of being futile and scared of that unknown future. To be trapped in obligation and living a life where I feel everyone around me can hear but not understand me .

I ask you dad is it too wrong on my part to simply aspire to live a life where I look forward to each day , learn small things that might not have much meaning to others and simply be true to myself.

I want you to be patient with me when I tell you that I’m lost but am trying to find myself .

I have a lot of self-hate , hurt , anger that I need to let go off.

I know you love me and I know you are doing your best but you can not control a life that I have to live .

I want you have faith in my struggle and simply tell me that you have my back for half of my battle is won if I have you supporting me.

If only I could make one request it would be ; 

Let me choose my own fight 

The grounds at which I wish to battle it 

The cause for which I battle

And if you can then then just cheer on for me from the sidelines.

Your daughter

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