Living the Uncertain Life

I ain’t the kind to write a journal or a travelogue but with a fresh year demanding fresh start, I decided to follow its call. 2016 was everything but certain or stable. I got my graduation degree, fell in love, got my heart broken by my understanding of it, fell again but in love with myself. It was year that marked several dramatic and life-changing steps. I took my first step into the realm of backpacking, exploring not just places, other lives but mostly myself. I worked with my demons and gave them the closure they always begged for, accepting them with my greatest sympathies and exorcising them with hope. The road was kind and cruel at the the same time, a roller coaster of emotions, some guided by me while rest by others. I confronted my ego, the vices that resided within it. Surely I am still confronting it and it seems to be a never ending task. I felt the sacred feeling of gratitude for being alive, for fellow humans that helped me survive the road. I learnt how to love without the innate tendency to posses. One of the most important things I realized was that “we often romanticize fresh starts so much that closures are left unattended. My thoughts are just as hazy and unclear as ever but here are a few highlights of the realizations I acquired in the emotional journey of 2016.

  1. Wish it, believe in it and you shall have it.

Life in it humorous way taught me that if you wish for something for something, dream about it, crave it more than anything else, you will get it but in the most unexpected form. Be it backpacking alone, waking up to a new city, bar tending at a backpacker’s hostel, celebrating new year at the full moon party with strangers and then making some of the closest friends from all over the world were surely some of the things I had dreamed of but what’s more interesting is I received these presents when I least expected them.

2. Gratitude is the key to happiness.

In life we often take things for granted and sadly people all the more but I was blessed to break through that barrier and am now able to feel gratitude towards life, people and situations. It pulls me up from all the sadness the inevitable mishaps bring with them. Someone bringing you medicines when you are sick, getting worried if your phone’s switched off for long, being angry at you for not taking care of yourself, looking out for you when you are being young and stupid. All of these gestures reminded me of the goodness that still breathes in human soul and to be able to receive, while you see someone didn’t overwhelmed me with gratitude. he latest example of that being the Full Moon Party at Koh Pang Nam. Attending my first festival of that scale and meeting people that looked out for me all through the night was definitely one of my most cherished memories as the next day I hear that a few drowned and some died in a bike accident. The only thought that crossed my mind was “if only they had someone looking out for them”.

3. To love one self is the biggest gift you can give to yourself.

Months of heartbreaking process of denial and acceptance finally brought me closer to loving myself and thus others. I am much more comfortable in my skin and heart now. I still have several insecurities but I know its okay to be insecure, to doubt yourself but what’s more important is that you give time and effort to each of them and rise above them. The world is imperfectly human, one’s emotions, perceptions, journey changing every single minute.

4. The world is infinite and so are you.

The loop of Change and Infinity are the universal truth of this universe and life that resides in your core. Your victories, defeats, happiness, sadness,  regrets and the experiences that mark them are changing endlessly and will always do. Nothing is permanent, so you must embrace this dynamism and make it into an armor of hope and humbleness. Life is like climbing a mountains, experiencing pain as you do so, reaching the top with euphoria, a new view of the world and then coming down feeling numb, greedy and lost. Life is repeating this process again and again. But with every climb your legs get stronger, your heart more grateful and content and lesser regrets as you walk down. If not so then your hope becomes stronger for now you know the view may or may not be great or as per your expectations but you have the strength to climb.

5. Unlearning is way more important than learning.

Ever since as a kid Learning has been the prime goal for me and everyone but what about unlearning what is unhealthy, not needed or harmful to your body, mind and soul. Unlearning old habits of ignorance, arrogance and persistence. You need to realize that to go somewhere new you need to leave from somewhere. To love again, you need to let go of the broken one. Goodbye are often undermined but make sure you bid all your adieus before you say a new hello.

Finally a big change of perception for me was the in the ideology that guided my adventures. I realized that one can never finds oneself but only creates. Travelling gave me the space to do that but the truth is that the process happens everywhere and everyday. Surely the push is needed and in a setting of your dreams but post that the process simply has to be carried forward. No matter where you are, what you are doing just don’t stop creating yourself.

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